What Is Rejection Sensitivity?
Rejection Sensitivity (RS) is a strong emotional reaction to the perception or even anticipation of rejection, criticism, or failure. It’s not just disliking rejection (which everyone does); it’s feeling it like a deep wound, even in small, everyday moments.
For children and teens with ADHD (especially girls), RS can look like:
Taking things personally (“She didn’t say hi — she must hate me.”)
Meltdowns or withdrawal after small corrections
Avoiding challenges for fear of failure
Excessive people-pleasing or perfectionism
Sudden mood shifts when they feel misunderstood or left out
The Neuroscience Behind Rejection Sensitivity (Especially in ADHD)
RS isn’t “overreacting”, it’s a brain-based pattern rooted in emotional dysregulation and neurochemical differences:
Prefrontal cortex underactivity
This part of the brain helps regulate emotion and impulse. In ADHD, it works less efficiently, so emotional reactions like shame, embarrassment, or perceived rejection can flare up without enough regulation to calm them down.
Hyperactive amygdala
The amygdala, the brain’s emotional alarm system, is more reactive in ADHD. It responds quickly to perceived social threats, like criticism or exclusion, even when none is intended.
Dopamine sensitivity
Kids with ADHD have lower baseline dopamine (a key chemical for reward and motivation). Social approval and success create short bursts of dopamine so when they don’t get that feedback, it can feel like a painful crash or even social failure.
Memory bias for negative events
Some studies suggest people with rejection sensitivity recall and fixate on past social hurts, reinforcing the belief that rejection is around every corner. This primes the brain for constant social threat monitoring.
How Rejection Sensitivity Impacts Daily Life
For a person with ADHD and RS, the world can feel emotionally unsafe. This might show up as:
School avoidance (fear of being “not good enough”)
Friendship struggles (either clinging too tightly or withdrawing)
Conflict at home (perceiving neutral comments as personal attacks)
Low self-esteem and shame spirals
Mood swings that seem disproportionate to the situation
What’s especially painful for parents is that these kids often say, “I know it’s not a big deal, but I can’t stop feeling this way.” Their emotional reaction outpaces their logic and that’s a real neurobiological experience, not drama or manipulation.
Supportive Strategies for Parents
As a psychologist, here’s what I’d encourage parents to focus on:
Name it with compassion
Give your child a name for what’s happening:
“It sounds like your rejection alarm is really loud right now. That’s your brain reacting to feeling unsafe, even if you are safe.”
Naming it helps externalise the struggle, so your child sees the emotion as something they’re experiencing, not something they are.
Regulate first, reason later
Don’t jump to logic. Instead, focus on co-regulation:
Offer connection, not correction: “I’m here. You’re safe. This is hard, but we’ll figure it out.”
Breathe together, move, or do something grounding before trying to talk through what happened.
Reframe mistakes and feedback
Help them develop a growth mindset:
“Mistakes are part of learning, not proof you’re not good enough.”
“Feedback helps you grow, not shrink.”
Use stories of your own setbacks and repairs. Normalise imperfection.
Use gentle correction and buffering
People with RS are hypersensitive to tone and facial cues. Try:
Sandwiching feedback: “You worked so hard on that… One part needs a tweak… And your effort really showed.”
Avoid sarcasm, eye-rolling, or harsh tones (even unintentionally), their brain reads these as threats.
Celebrate bravery, not just success
Praise moments when your child shows up, risks vulnerability, or bounces back, not just when they "get it right."
“I saw how nervous you were to go to art class, but you still showed up, that’s courage.”
“Even though it didn’t go perfectly, you stayed in it, that matters.”
Therapy & Tools That Can Help:
CBT (Cognitive Behavioural Therapy): Helps with reframing rejection narratives
DBT skills: For emotional regulation and self-soothing
Parent coaching: To support communication and co-regulation at home
Medication for ADHD (if prescribed): Can help with emotional lability and sensitivity in some children
Journaling, mindfulness, or expressive arts therapy: For processing emotions safely
A message for parents
Rejection sensitivity isn’t about fragility or overreaction; it’s about a brain that’s wired to feel social pain more deeply and more quickly. Your child isn’t trying to make life harder; they’re working incredibly hard to feel safe and accepted in a world that often feels sharp and unpredictable.
With understanding, connection, and the right tools, they can build resilience without losing their sensitivity, which is often the same part of them that makes them creative, caring, and deeply empathetic.
